“I think I’m done now.”
These words came to me as I laid curled up in a tiny ball on my bed, under the covers, in the middle of bright, beautiful summer day.
With so many things to look around and be grateful for. With so many of life’s pleasures and joys surrounding me. With so many things to appreciate and soak in and love….
There I was.
Shades drawn. Lights off. Under the covers.
In as tiny of a ball as I could get.
Basically, my whole body on top of the pillow I was hugging tightly.
“I think I’m done now.”
I say it out loud, to the empty, darkening room since the clouds have chosen to cover up the sun outside, and the sun is even starting to set.
At this point, I’m having a conversation with myself.
What are you done with, exactly?
I’m done trying.
I’m done working.
I’m done trying to “find” me, “be” me, blah blah blah.
I’m just done!
Good. I’m so glad you’re done.
What?? No. I’m saying I’m done! Like, legit. DONE. I don’t want to do this anymore. I’m not doing this anymore. I’m not trying to “live my best life” anymore. I’m not trying to “change the world” anymore. I’m not trying to be more peace and love and hope and joy and all of that f’ng BULL SHIT. It’s all bull shit. It’s not worth it. And I’m done.
I love you.
Can’t you hear me! I’m basically saying I’m done living. This is ridiculous and hard and stupid and not worth it.
I’ve been telling you that it isn’t worth it. That there’s nothing to try for, or earn.
The striving. It’s pointless. It’s okay to let go now.
Let go? Where will I go? Just let go? Just go off into the oblivion? Off into consciousness itself? Off the planet? What are you even saying?
I said “let” go. Not go. Let go. You don’t need to go anywhere. You can stay right there, on that pillow, if you’d like. Or you can get up and walk around. Or you can sing a song or dance or cry or call a friend or, you can do whatever you want to. But there’s no where to go to and everything to let go of.
But won’t that mean I failed? That I fell? If I let go… isn’t that throwing in the towel on everything I’ve worked so hard for? Won’t I lose any ground I’ve gained on my way toward my dreams?
My dear. You haven’t worked for anything. It’s been yours all along, and it will be yours all along. I love you. Now… let go.
…. [silence]. Okay.
And off I went to enjoy my day. 💃
— — — — —
You know the voice. 🤪 It says all kinds of things, all. day. long!
It builds you up when you do something amazing. 🙌🏼
Then tears you down when it looks like you failed. 😩
It attaches meaning to just about everything that happens.
From why you dropped the plate and shattered it this morning to why your kids are being completely and totally unruly today to why your spouse is being short with you.
It tells you, “I’ve finally got it all together!” And then comes in with, “You idiot. You don’t know a thing!”
It’s really quite humorous when you start to pay attention to it. 🧐
It always has something to say.
And it’s always changing its tone.
There are no situations or circumstances that can put that voice in its place because its whole job is to interpret things.
It doesn’t interpret them accurately or correctly, of course.
It just interprets them however it sees fit in that moment.
The only voice that can put that voice in its proper place is You.
See, that chatter voice isn’t you.
You could call it your ego, perhaps.
It’s the part of you that tries to create an identity for itself.
But it’s so fickle, and it leaves you feeling fickle! And when you choose to believe that voice is YOU, no wonder you have a general distrust for yourself!
Why would you trust that thing and its changing opinions all of the time??
You aren’t that voice.
You are the one who can hear that voice.
When you observe that voice — instead of trying to “kill it” or “stop it” or “beat it into submission” — and instead you love it. You treat it like you would treat a child who just doesn’t know any better. You extend out infinite patience and kindness to it…
When you love that chattery voice you observe from afar…
You change the whole world you experience.
You experience peace…now.
No more waiting. No more earning. No more trying. You get to be “done” looking for whatever it was you were looking for.
Because it’s actually just here, right now.
And that chatter voice, that ego of yours, though it lacks the ability to comprehend the eternity and love that You are… it can be quieted and calmed.
Only by You.
So next time you’re feeling inner conflict, step back. Listen to what the chattering voice is saying. And speak the truth that only You can speak to it. ✨
Then go off and enjoy your day. 😍
→ Episode 9 of my latest podcast series, Letting Go & Letting In, gives another example of this. It's out now wherever you like to listen to your daily audio! 🎙